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Dec. 15th, 2000

Happy Birthday Nikki.

I am helping my ex-wife cook applesauce for my younger son's birthday. On Sunday he will celebrate his sixth birthday. He was actually born on the eighth day of Chanukkah. My older son was born on the first day of Shavuot. Both days are pretty good days to be born on in the Jewish calendar. We have had the tradition of celebrating their birthdays on the jewish calendar ever since.

I am needing the distraction of peeling apples and potatoes. The latter is for latkas (potato pancakes) to be cooked on the actual day of the birthday party. The applesauce is for eating with the pancakes.

Pardon me but I am having problems thinking and communicating. This post was going to be longer with a specific message and purpose but I am having the above said trouble. I am feeling scattered. I am fighting a lot of unnecessary anxiety and am feeling fairly paranoid as well. Where is the anxiety stemming from? I think it is because I worry too much.

I have spent the last six hours trying to keep the kid's distracted, out of my ex-wife and her fiancée's way as they clean the kid's bedroom and their apartment. While I was with the kids I had lots of material in my head to be just poured in to my LiveJournal. Now I have a blank word processor/browser screen staring back at me.

I am back to peeling now.

This state of confusion and anxiety has been lasting for days, almost a week. I would think that this anxiety is related to work and the situation that I will be returning to this Wednesday. Certainly being apprehensive, nervous, and scattered in thought will not help the situation. I want it to dissipate now but know that the more I struggle with it, the longer it could last.

I went out with friends Wednesday night and had fun.

This is probably the seventh time that I have mentioned it. I am a pro with a repetitive message. This also follows the cycle of anxiety and worry. The more I try to move on with conversations, the more I ruminate and wind up talking about little else. The more I like people IRL the more I worry and fear that I am driving them away till I drive them away.

Now I am ruminating on this. Such is the path of progress. Such is life.

I am still peeling. 'Lady Apples' are the hardest to peel as they are about an inch in diameter. Lots and lots of apples.

I think/know this is the same reason I try to keep busy. To worry less. To spread out my toxic social discomfort so as not to become too concentrated. To not wear out my friends IRL. Even at ease I am feeling socially uncomfortable. I hope that by writing this out there will become clarity. I want to go out more often, communicate in a straight forward manner (and have world happiness?).

< rant mode> In California we are having power problems. It is on the news and in every newspaper. Yet when I go outside I am seeing lot and lots of Christmas lights on. My ex is just mentioning that when she went out on an errand last night she was seeing 'rolling blackouts' in Berkeley. One area would gain back power just as the next block would darken. I would be I think kinda pissed that my power was being browned out just so my neighbor's holiday lights could shine. I think there are better uses of precious power than to decorate my abode. But hell, people keep watering their lawns in a drought, and driving to work and then complaining about the road traffic on their commute. < /rant mode >

Well here is the last message that I wanted to share. Communication is such a tricky business. What message is stated in words is often not the message heard. Omission of a word is often interpreted as a message in of itself. Prior experiences, recent memories and personal daemons all distort what is said and what is heard.

Well enough worrying and trying to express here. I got about twenty-five more apples to peel.

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