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from rivervision.com

"Thursday, 22 September 05 9:01p
more.

its later, and i'm trying to get ready to go back out in 10.5 hours. hmm.. thats actually a lot of hours.. i could actually study, and sleep.. and manage to rise at 6.30 so i can have a lazy morning, fix something good in my newly cleaned kitchen and then drop by to pick up s and j.

or not.

goodness. it'll be okay? i'm going to study some tonight. i absolutely need to.

---

i'm thinking about a lot tonight. i'm thinking about my intentions for the weekend. i'm thinking about loneliness and whether i ever truly got used to it, or whether i just weather it. i'm thinking about the last 2 days and my connection. i'm thinking about my attachment, and hence my attraction. i'm thinking about.. *sigh* a lot of stuff.

but the great gift of opening my email today and tonight was emails from 2 more people to add to my 'lets have a date' list. the list is growing, and i'm grateful for it. i need to find time to respond to all of them, i need to find time to connect with them.

my intention for the weekend is to go deep, to really not think of what i'm doing as work, but rather heart of now in a different kind of container. i'm going to practice being honest, that when someone comes up and asks me how i am, to really be honest. i desperately want friendships like the one i see i'm having with my 2 camping companions. anyhow.

i'm exhausted in this moment. truly exhausted.

---

my coworker is leaving for 3 weeks. i'm going to miss him. he's a good man, and i am a better person for knowing him. today we were talking about something and i looked at him in the eyes -- one of those heart of now stares -- and said to him 'do you trust me?' and i ment it, and i expected an honest answer. after meeting my look he smiled and said 'yes'.. and i knew he ment it. it was a good moment for both of us, it was one of those cementing of our work relationship moment.. a deep space held. at least thats how it felt to me.

---

yes, these deep relationships are good for me. yes they are. yes, carrying that honesty to work is good for me. having a coworker like t makes that easier. working to surround myself with people that want to have deep relationships, that when i go to hug them there is something there to hug back, yes its good for me.

---

i miss my friends. yes, i miss both of them. yeah, i'm still a bit too attached to one of them, but.. i feel lighter.. the thing that makes me feel it a bit lighter is that i've realized there is an attraction there. is it okay? well, i told her (yes, i can't deny it to myself, i MUST be bisexual) and when i woke up yesterday morning and this morning looked into her eyes she met mine back. so, it must be? i wouldn't be surprised if i feel the need to grab her eyes again.. and we talked about it, so its even better. and i realize i still crave that safety, that comfort that i got when she was holding me the other night as we processed. and that isn't about her, its about me wanting that need? so much. i want someone that i'm attracted to, that i can go deep with, that i can be vulnerable with to hold me close in those moments. that is not about her. and while its a comfort in one way to know that it goes beyond her, in another it is a deep sadness that i carry with me, a deep sadness to feel that comfort and safety and not have it whenever i need it. i've already cried about it tonight, and it feels good just to be with it.

---

i should go find my comfy sweater. and study some. and sleep.

Thursday, 22 September 2005, 6:22p
home. for 18 hours

i just got home from a camping trip with my friends k and m, and k and r.. it really was everything i set the intention to be. i got to clear some stuff about attachments, i got to be in my sadness-- the heavy sadness that i carry with me, i got some nurturing, i got to nurture. i'm grateful for the challenge presented to me in the questions k asks -- i believe it makes me a better person, i believe that questions like that help me find answers i don't even know i want. and i'm grateful for m's seemingly unconditional acceptance of me. seeing him through k's eyes has been a gift, i've seen him in a way i don't think some others do, and it has caused me to only grow fonder of him.

anyhow, i'm at work.. more later. it was a good trip. thanks my friends."

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