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Living in Sacramento

I am enjoying reading "Forensics for Dummies" that was a gift from S.

Over the last weekend, S and I rented a van and retrieved my physical possessions from storage in Oregon. I felt a sense of closure with being in Oregon. I feel like I was not the same person who moved up there over three years ago as I am now.

I was really surprised that we were able to rent a vehicle. What with my newly found (in renting an apartment) poor credit rating with a FICO score of 9003, having not rented a vehicle before, but having previously been cancelled on before (by the company not having a vehicle available or by me not having the right acceptable documentation), no credit cards, Narcolepsy.

We then drove down from Oregon and retrieved S's stuff from Arcata. The two day trip in the rented van was over 1110 miles. I enjoyed listening in the van to a CD of "Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers" as we traveled through the night.

We have moved into the Downtown Sacramento area bordering next to Midtown, walkable to S's work, near public transit. We then got library cards, got a parking permit, got a bed, located the local co-op: Sacramento Natural Foods Co-op, located a swimming pool (for S's arms to heal), got more clothes suitable for the employment environment, found farmers markets, picked up some used Burningman furniture (Thank you A), got some housewares, established electricity (SMUD), gas (PG&E), phone (AT&T), internet (tba).

While S has been enjoying the first days of her new employment, I have enjoyed swimming, took a walk through the California State Capitol Museum seeing specifically the "California Firefighters Memorial" and the "California Veterans Memorial". I have also been sorting through the boxes of stuff retrieved from Oregon. I have been mapping in wikimapia.org and located Sacwiki.org . Cool.

We even carved a jack-o-lantern.

More urgently however I have been having a feeling of 'panic' to search through things. For example, I feel a sense of urgency to keep going back into the kitchen and search the kitchen, checking the cabinets, as urgent as if there were a fire in there. I want to ignore the feeling but it feels very real, as if there were a fire going on in the kitchen and I am ignoring it. I dont think continually searching the kitchen is good for me, bringing me joy, or achieving either a primary or secondary gain. I dont feel 'good' after searching the kitchen. What I feel is 'tired', 'annoyed', leading to thoughts of 'have to begin again', 'set till I or someone else uses the kitchen', back to 'frustrated' and 'tired'.

I also seem to be having trouble in sorting out in my mind what is trash, both in my email and physically. I read the headlines of the Trash folder but hesitate feeling fear. "Do I need that ? Is that really trash ? Is that trash disguised ? Have I been looking at it so long that it is something I want to keep but think it is trash ?" In the physical world the same thing is going on. "Is that trash ? Could I identify it as something to keep if it were something I wanted but misidentified it as trash ?" The feeling of urgency and panic are overwhelming and contributing to me feeling scare and sad. Scared that I am falling back into old familiar patterns from while I lived in Berkeley (ie searching trash bags, unable to throw out receipts, writing everything down, looking behind myself as I walk down the street for things that feel like they are oozing out of my pockets to get lost, opening up cabinet doors to check inside, wiping off light switches, checking what is on the computer's "clipboard", etc...) and sad that maybe my decision to move back to a city environment was wrong and premature for my wellbeing. I want to be a good, sane, partner for S. I want to be calm, secure, trusting, content for me.

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