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within the last 58hrs ...

on my way to the Nevada Test Site to help lead a protest with http://www.nevadadesertexperience.org on the Amtrak i wrote this: "today i seem to be struggling with issues of "trust" regarding getting my needs met from myself and others (k). i have felt sometimes persistent feelings of lack in getting attention from k (or others) to meet my apparent needs of lots of physical affection and to feel included even pursued. i have felt sad about not getting my needs met. i have often then had the feelings that my apparent needs of having someone wanting to hear my feelings and stories, to come out and pursue me to give me attention is unrealistic and unattainable, even wrong (in the human experience) and ultimately sad for me. i additionally feel sad that when these feeling when exhibited from people who seem male (like Rob) are offered to me that i seemingly value them less then if they were offered from someone like M, S, A (the one with the daughter M), Karly, etc. (essentially people who are female).

i have the idea than when k is seemingly the only one available asking about me, that i am burning her out and that she will need to spend "more" time with others and not me (leaving me alone and frustrated).

i have the idea that i want to be able to spread my "base of support" across many friends. to be able to be physically, emotionally available to many people and not burnout my primary relationship. i hear k stating to me that she doesnt feel that she is being burned out by me, that sometimes she feels "emotionally fused" to me and then needs to draw boundaries and get space to recenter herself, but that she is excited about the emotional work i am doing and progressing with and also very excited about the relationship she and i have.

i want to "trust" that i can get my needs met and not be in an area of scarcity and envy (of popularity and inclusiveness) and sadness (loneliness).

so ... "trust" seems to be my "core" issue for now where as before yesterday it seemed to be experiencing "feelings of leftoutedness". "

so upon my arrival in Berkeley 2hrs ago: i had a great time at the Test Site. i did not get arrested but felt that this article:
http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2006/Apr-15-Sat-2006/news/6876598.html illustrated well what happened yesterday.

i arrived at the peacewalk on Thursday and then walked with the walkers in progress since Sunday. Thursday evening i lead a seder in the desert bringing Jewish ritual to the mainly christian group of about 25 people. i felt excited, nervous about leading ritual. i had great support from my friend Chels who is also a staff member for the group. after the arrest and release part of the demonstration C and i rode back with three others from Las Vegas to Baker to Los Angeles to the Bay Area. i love C a lot. she describes herself as gender queer, catholic, radical. i have the idea i am more attracted to her then she is to me (confirmed by her) though she loves me also and feels a lot of affinity, safety, and openness to and toward me. she and i talked a lot about gender ideas and issues and feelings, relationship stuff, connection, perceptions during the walk and during the carride.

she demonstrated (IMO) that she is a great facilitator, a great potential executive director for Nevada Desert Experience. she will make (or is already) a great theologian.

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