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Jan. 16th, 2007

so i am learning the soprano recorder. a CD of the recorder music from the Mel-Bay "You Can Teach Yourself Recorder" book is playing in the iTunes Appl. of S's iBook G4. there is snow outside. last Feb i saw live snow for the first time (not through Amtrak windows or on TV) and now this year for the past week it has been actively snowing. i got to drive on the road as snow fell for the first time this past Sunday. today it is slushy outside.

i have been learning a lot about relationship dynamics, some i already knew, some realizing different depths. for example people (person "A") might feel they need alone time; this might be because interacting with others is difficult and energy expending. yet "A" seems to be to "B" to be jovial, energetic, and trying to control the conversation by occupying the talk time maybe to control the subject matter and thus protect from the potential level of discomfort "A" might experience.

in writing this is where i feel that my perceived level of ability to communicate is really burdensome to me. here i really feel that i struggle with being understood and understanding others.

so back to my example if "A" would relax and let others participate in the conversation then "A" wouldn't necessarily feel like it was such a performance, so trying, so tiring, and might also experience love and acceptance from "B" and others without the performance.

then also "A" might need not as much time alone (with out "B" or others) as then "A" would be more him or herself with out the energy expending show and yet still be loved, accepted.

this is germane to me as i don't seemingly need alone time. i also don't feel that i need to perform yet i also feel sad when people don't interact with me. yet have had the experience that when doing dancing i wondered why others weren't dancing with me. then i discovered that if i smiled openly, opened my arms wide toward another friend that i got receptive responses. i railed at this discovery. similarly when my friend kay'a talks she gesticulates a lot. i find i am more drawn into her conversations and also begin to gesticulate a lot. we have talked about this aspect that my increase in arm movements and gestures are inspired as reverence and love not mockery or something else. i feel more energetic talking with kay'a.

i railed against that this 'show' that i put on gets more interaction for me. i want people to interact with me because of who i am, not the show that i can perform. yet i also rail against the feeling that i get when i perceive that others don't interact with me such that i write down the interactions i have (in my PDA) to recall that i have had interactions later.

sorta secondly, i have the idea that when others are direct, confrontative, and dramatic toward me that i enjoy that interaction. why i ask my self. the current running idea is that if others are dramatic, demonstrative with me than i remain within my safety boundary of not exceeding my level of discomfort with ambiguous indirect messages and am taking my cues of responsiveness for the other being direct, aggressive. i am not pushing the others 'boundary' as they are meeting, pushing mine.

so i am currently seeing that when a 'Conflict Avoider' is with me i am working on the subtle messages, when someone is more passive with me how to chose to respond differently, to challenge my previous ideas and previous responses to be with the person i am with.

i also now believe that my bad dreams / nightmares are more frequent (2-3 per week) that that experienced by most people.

back to the more concrete. S and i are reading together "A Gracious Plenty" cuddled up at night. eating Dagoba Chocolate and Endanged Species Chocolate bars together. last night we watched a DVD of "Human Nature". i enjoyed that movie, the psudo special effects, hirsute loving nature.

i am still reading "Dead Until Dark".

i am in love with my sweetie

i would like and encourage comments to the above observations such that i may continue to receive new ideas and perceptions.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 16th, 2007 11:54 pm (UTC)
I hear your voice a lot more clearly in you LJ these days than I have in the past.

I think your writing has improved dramatically in the time that I've known you.

I also want to ask about what happens when you do take time for yourself. Maybe you don't get upset and need time, but what happens when you take it? Do you learn anything, are you more relaxed, do you feel better or worse? I thought for a long time that I didn't need much time to myself, but these days I feel like I need so much time, that for a while I wasn't sure that I wanted to see people ever again.

The space opened up by being alone was really healing. Is really healing. And I perceive that you're looking to do some healing work. You expressed to me that you wanted to be more self-sourcing of your own nuturance, is that stull true? If so, some time alone might help you get in touch with what that would look like.

I think also that people do like you. But if you need them to express things in a certain way, it is limiting. If they can express when and how they want, maybe they would express more freely. Maybe not. I don't know. But you seem to have an attachment to how the caring is expressed.

I love you and hope you find this useful.
Jan. 19th, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
Hi Ming and S[sic],

This is a great blog and certainly not the kind of thing many people write about. I'm enjoying it greatly. One thing that I would love to see might be more concrete examples from your own lives or from what you've observed (if you can share that). It's a great venue to share in, and I can almost feel the exploration in you both.

In the past year I find myself monitoring my own actions in social sitatuations far more and probing myself to get to the bottom of why I do what I do, what needs I'm addressing, and what needs I'm ignoring. It's great!

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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