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Going backwards ...

On Tuesday morning, S left for her working retreat and I took the Metro to Sea-Tac Airport for about $2 and a travel time of one hour. I met my half brother J and his son R at the Sacramento Airport then we traveled to Old Sacramento. I had a fun time talking and connecting with my half brother. The last time I had seen him was 13years ago at a family function. Then the time before that we were both small kids at some other family function.

On Monday, S and I went into the Seattle neighborhood of Ballard and outfitted S with a Cerro Torre Porter 30L backpack, Garmont Syncro III boots, and some accessories at Second Ascent. It was a great outdoor gear store, in some ways better than R.E.I. both in obtaining assistance from employees and that it sold used items. We then drove through the Fremont neighborhood that we had been in Saturday during the Solstice festival now finding and seeing the Fremont Troll under the Aurora Bridge. The Troll was HUGE clutching a real Volkswagen beetle. We then went into the Seattle Downtown area and finally saw the movie "Waitress" after having attempted twice before and failing. The movie brought up for me feelings of mistrust but also feelings of happiness with S as she was cuddled up, head on my shoulder. After the movie we wandered around in the downtown area for a short while. I noted that it can be really sunny here in Seattle as compared to my ideas that Seattle was mostly rainy and cloudy. I like having fun.

What I saw in the Waitress movie consisted of main characters in a surrealistic town involved in primary relationships they didnt want to be in. Lies and affairs and more lies ensue as the characters try to live within their constrictions. I felt triggered seeing Jenna (Keri Russell) repeating back to her husband Earl untruths that he wanted to hear and believe. Earl: "Tell me that you love me", Jenna: "I love you", Earl: "Say it like you mean it", Jenna: "I love you" said in fear that she would be hurt either physically or emotionally by Earl. I felt fear within myself in fearing that I am or would be a controlling personality, fearing people lying to me, and fearing that I hear only what I want to hear. Where as S reflected to me maybe that I have known controlling people and felt constricted while in their presence while in fear of my own fears of loss. She didnt resonate with me being controlling, though I recall, a year ago, k saying she felt constricted by me for fear of loosing me.

I hear S saying sometimes she feels I am desperate to be in a relationship. I hear her say that I am a good partner. That Im not on audition. That she loves me. I feel I love her. I feel good in what I do to be supportive to her. I feel it comes from a grounded centered place of giving and love. I desire and like hearing what is true for her. Acknowledging my feelings in what I have heard.

This weekend Trust came up as an issue; how much trust and acceptance. I feel that I am working on trust issues regarding feeling sad and miserable while living in Berkeley, accepting the sad situations I have cocreated in the past, and then up till now questioning how much effort should I invest in to try creating something good and enjoyable. I have had sad situations in my life and feel that I have invested energy to create good feelings, growth, to not remain in sad situations or be filled with anhedonia. What should I trust; inertia to bring growth, loneliness, and sadness to work on, isolation which has in the past brought isolation, depression, inertia, money out as I ate in restaurants for my socialization or going to the other side of the scale, invest energy in relationships that bring potential interdependence but happiness and in the past resulted in personal development. The strategies in between are endless (not even on a continuum).

An example is now a futon has come into our lives. S suggested we should have trusted a bed would arrive without us needing to buy one. I think that a mattress was not that big a purchase and that not having a bed was a detriment to our quality of living. I attempted to craigslist a free one. At Lost Valley a large bed did not materialize and that felt hard on me emotionally for months. I had little trust that a bed would drop in our laps without some outpouring of energy to obtain it.

Likewise another example is that S feels that a hardwood floor would have been better for her allergies and maybe we should have rented a place for $1000/mo for it. One of the goals of S working was to save some money. I felt positive about the hardwood floors but also followed the lead of saving money. So I feel frustrated now in feeling that our housing trust gave us the place we have now which is wonderful in many ways (group living, low cost, sustainable consciousness) but dosnt afford individual privacy or hardwood floors. Should trust have brought hard wood floors for S's comfort or is she meant to suffer allergies.

What did I do to earn suffering as a renter at Lost Valley ?

The Waitress movie felt surreal in the aspects of hearing Jenna's thoughts as conveyed in pie construction, and characters dramatically abrupt in their portrayals of their emotions and confusions.

The pies looked delicious.

After returning home we both packed for our respective trips, danced to the music of Michael Franti, I typed contributions to NDE staff evaluations, gave S a back rub massage.

On Sunday we stayed home and did laundry preparing for S's working retreat. I also had fun connecting with S, felt good about cleaning our room, and processed relationship a little bit (probably leading up to Monday's thoughts).

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December 2012
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