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The rave turned out to be my first underground rave and it got shut down at 00:37 this morning with the local police coming out in force in ~15 squad cars.

I think I am going to cry myself to sleep as I can not stop thinking. This happens all the time, it is repetitive and demeaning to the individual.

Good Night. I can offer nothing of value to my friends or community


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 19th, 2001 11:30 am (UTC)
are you sure that happy hardcore shit isn't driving you mad? i know that listening to it for more than 10 seconds makes me want to apply an icepick to my eardrums.

(trying to add a bit of levity) ;)

but i am a bit serious about perhaps soothing your senses. i know you are not big on self-indulgence, but have you taken some time out to pmaper yourself? you are such a giver, richard, but please give to yourself just a bit. this may be totally hokey and ridiculous, and scream if it is, but how about making yourself feel good? if you hurt inside, perhaps comforting the outside will soothe you. like drawing a warm bath.. checking a good book out from the library and reading it in the tup.. ordering pizza.. listening to some calming music, maybe some enya? her music is also very cathartic, i feel, the tears flow more freely with her soothing voice.

you are a valuable, loved person. i know you do not believe me, but i am going to keep saying it until you do. everyone at cohen is asking about you. they miss you. we all love you!
Feb. 19th, 2001 05:31 pm (UTC)
I love you my friend.
This side of me was never meant to be shown here.

Were I to want to pamper myself I could not. Too many psychological barriers exist that have resisted concentrated destruction. That is why I do not cook, can not invite friends over to my house (an thus when I offer the option of 'crashing' at my house, it is not a lightly offered gift to me. However others would and should not ever know this), do not drive, etc.

It would be nice to feel good but that is a fatality of anhedonia.

However I like you suggestions. I have not ever listened to enya (I love that aversion to using capital letters) that I know of.

Feb. 19th, 2001 03:30 pm (UTC)
you are of value, and so much of the power of an underground rave is in the incredibly collaborative effort of putting it together... whether or not it gets busted. for me, being in the presence of so many people devoted to working their butts off for the happiness of others, the glow and excitement cannot be killed by the arrival of cops.

by the way ... you were at UW??? that's the heart of my rave-world! the only reason i wasn't there to get busted with you is i stayed home to get over my sickness.


Feb. 19th, 2001 05:15 pm (UTC)
I have been generally well accepted...
It was very fun taping black plastic over the warehouse windows with others. Very fun and you have described it perfectly.

Being busted was not a let down for me exactly as I had never experienced it before. It was new.

Were it not for DS I would not know what to do at a rave as I don't dance. Maybe that will change. *hopeful*

The after expo party was the only party that I have been to not with DS.

Umm... what is "UW"?

Feb. 19th, 2001 05:58 pm (UTC)
Re: I have been generally well accepted...
urban wasteland...

i assumed. which is silly, since there were, i'm sure, multiple raves on saturday night, and more than one underground one.

anyway, i'm glad it was a good experience.

when do you want to hang out? i'm free-ish on wednesday and thursday.
Feb. 19th, 2001 07:29 pm (UTC)
Re: I have been generally well accepted...
Thursday would be better with me if it is okay with you. Give me a call?

Does "Urban Wasteland" have a web presence/website?

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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